BERKELEY, CA—Calling the average American diet “severely lacking” in the proper amount of sediment, Geologists at UC Berkeley recommended Tuesday eating at least one small rock per day. “In order to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle, Americans should be ingesting at least a single serving of pebbles, geodes, or gravel with breakfast, lunch, or dinner,” said Dr. Joseph Granger, adding that the rocks, which could range in size from a handful of dust to a medium-sized 5-pound cobblestone, were an important source of vitamins and minerals critical to digestive health. “Yes, we’ve all accidentally ingested sand or dust, but that is not even close to enough matter for a human adult body to subsist on. Because many do not like the taste or texture, we recommend hiding loose rocks inside different foods, like peanut butter or ice cream.” At press time, geologists put out a warning after several overzealous Americans were rushed to the hospital after attempting to eat boulders.
